Mating Rituals of Goblin Kings
by Artemis J. Halk
Summary: Crackfic. Ever since meeting the Goblin King when she was fifteen, Sarah had dreamt of being seduced by him. For him to come and sweep her off her feet, to shower her in rose petals, to offer her unicorn rides, and to kiss her under waterfalls. Not 3 AM rats and screeching outside her window.


This is just a silly little crackfic that wouldn't leave my mind after a post in a Labyrinth fan group I'm part of on facebook. I know that some of the mating rituals probably aren't overly accurate, and probably not for one specific kind of owl... But maybe we can pretend like it's just Jareth's species? And it's also just funny.

This hasn't been proof-read, so please let me know if you spot any errors so that I can fix it!

* * *

Sarah was awoken by the most horrible screeching noise imaginable. In a blind panic, she jumped out of bed, flipped the lights on, and ran over to the window, where the sound was coming from.  
However, upon seeing what was outside, her heart plummeted and her anxiety quickly gave way to irritation. She thought that there was some injured child or animal outside.  
Instead, it was simply the Goblin King. He was perched on the railing of her apartment balcony, and every couple of seconds, he'd open his mouth and let out another, loud screeching sound.  
She threw the window open.  
"Sarah!" Jareth said with a huge smile on his face. "I'm glad that-"  
"It. Is. Three. In. The. Mother. Fucking. Morning." Each word was spat out from between clenched teeth. "What in the name of sanity are you doing!"  
"Isn't it obvious?" he said with a wounded look.  
Sarah let out a growl of frustration and slammed her window shut.  
Jareth resumed his screeching. Sarah spun around on her heel, grabbed the first solid object she spotted (a shoe), opened the window, and chucked it out. He fell, startled by the projectile, but transformed into an owl before he hit the ground.  
Sarah heaved a frustrated sigh as she watched owl-Jareth fly off into the night.  
"Good riddance," she muttered under her breath as she closed the window.

* * *

Despite the strange occurrence with Jareth at the wee hours of the morning, the rest of Sarah's day went well. She was putting on a production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with her students, and early morning rehearsal went well. The students in her regular classes seemed to be on their best behavior for some reason… Sarah didn't question it, least she jinx it. And it was also Mary Day's, an English teacher, birthday, so there was cake in the teacher's lounge.  
"Hey Sarah! Sarah! Wait up!" Andrew Flavin waved and ran across the parking lot to catch up with her. "Where are you going? Don't you have rehearsal?"  
"Yes, from six to nine tonight," Sarah said. "The same schedule we've been on every day since September."  
Andrew smiled slightly at that. Sarah liked him. He was a math teacher, a few years older than her, cute in a Keanu Reeves kind of way, and totally single.  
"So if you're not doing anything between now and rehearsal, maybe we could-"  
Andrew's next words were cut off by an odd screeching sound. Sarah's heart plummeted. She knew that sound.  
"Um… Excuse me if I'm wrong, but there is a very unusually dressed man dancing across the parking lot towards us," Andrew said.  
Sarah closed her eyes and counted to ten. Her calming moment of meditation was ruined by more screeching, and it was getting closer. She finally opened her eyes and spun around.  
Jareth was wearing his feather cape, and he was holding it aloft with either hand. He stood on one leg, hopped closer to her, paused, screeched, lowered his cape, raised it up again, switched legs, and repeated the entire process over again.  
Sarah turned back to Andrew with a huge smile pasted on her face. "Excuse me," she said as politely as she could muster. She spun back around and stomped over to Jareth.  
Jareth blinked at Sarah, cocked his head, and blinked some more. He screeched once more, and flapped his cape a little.  
"What in the name of sanity are you doing?" she hissed at him.  
"Isn't it obvious?" Jareth asked.  
"NO! None of what you are doing makes any sense! At all! You wake me up in the middle of the night, and now you're embarrassing me in front of my co-workers!"  
Jareth dropped his hands to his side and regarded Sarah for a moment. He then looked past her to Andrew. "Yes, I see," he said after a long stretch of silence. He stepped around Sarah. "I completely understand now."  
Jareth started to run towards Andrew, and resumed his cape-arm-flapping as well as his screeching. But while his movements and sounds earlier had been relatively happy and calm, this was clearly an upsetting and angry noise.  
"Jesus fuck!" Andrew yelled as he was almost tackled by the Goblin King. The math teacher dove out of the way and started to run off. "What the hell is wrong with you?"  
Instead of giving a verbal reply, Jareth only just responded with angry screeching and cape flapping.  
"Jareth!" Sarah yelled out as she chased after him. "Jareth! What the hell is the matter with you?!"  
Jareth stopped, but Andrew kept running past the metal fence that separated the parking lot from the street. Jareth gave one last screech before he turned back to Sarah with a huge grin on his face.  
"I chased him away," he said with pride.  
Sarah let out a growl of frustration and stormed away.

* * *

After rehearsal that night, Sarah went straight home. She was exhausted, not only from the rehearsal, but from dealing with Jareth. She dreaded encountering him again in the parking lot, but she was the only one there. Everybody else had left already.  
She also dreaded him showing up on her balcony again that night. She needed her sleep. So she decided to sleep on the sofa. And while she'd still be able to hear him if he was outside, then at least she'd be further away.  
If this kept up, she might have to move. To a place without a balcony. Which would be miserable, since the entire reason why she'd gotten this unit was specifically for the wide balcony that overlooked a little park.  
The couch was uncomfortable, but the thought of not being bothered during the night sent her to sleep quickly.  
She was awoken by somebody tapping her face.  
"Mm, Jareth?" she asked with sleep-addled confusion. And then she realized that it was actually him, and that he was standing in the middle of her living room. "Jareth! What are you doing here?"  
"You didn't like my calling to you last night, so I thought that you might like a snack instead," he said with a sweet smile.  
"Um…"  
Jareth held out his hands, and Sarah let out a frightened scream and scrambled back away from him. Resting in the palm of his hands was a large rat. It was covered in scratches, and the neck had clearly been broken.  
"Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you give that to me?"  
Jareth looked between the rat and Sarah for a moment. "Oh, right! How silly of me! Of course I should have half of it first!" He tipped his head back and dropped the rat halfway into his mouth. There was a loud yet moist crack as he bit it in half, and swallowed, seemingly without chewing. "There!" He offered the severed rat bottom to Sarah.  
Sarah vaulted over the arm of the sofa as well as the end table, and ran into the bathroom, where she was violently ill in the toilet.  
"You… You're not coughing up an owl pellet, are you?" Jareth said from the bathroom doorway when she was finished.  
"No, no I am not," she said miserably.  
"You… didn't like my call," Jareth said quietly. "And you didn't like my dance. And you didn't like my snack." His eyes lit up. "But wait until you see the nest that I made for us, Sarah!"  
"Nest?!" she asked, startled.  
He offered her a huge grin and eagerly nodded. "Yes! Don't you want to see it?"  
"Why in the name of sanity would I want to do that? And at…" She glanced past him, into the kitchen, at the clock on the wall. "Three in the morning! You need to stop bothering me at such ungodly hours!"  
"But you work all the time," Jareth said with a pout. "That's right… humans don't like being up during the night, do they? I shall have to come back some other time!" He vanished.  
Sarah let out a frustrated sigh and went into her bedroom to try and get some more sleep before her alarm went off.

* * *

As soon as the bell rang to signal the start of Sarah's lunch period, she took off for the school library. "What can you tell me about owl mating rituals?" she asked the librarian.  
"Why, hello to you, too, Ms. Williams!" the librarian said with a chuckle. She was a round, friendly, older woman by name of Angela Young. "Why, let's see… I do know a thing or two about bird mating, but I'm not sure what I can tell you specifically about owls. Do you have owls nesting near you?"  
"Er… Something like that, yes," she said quickly. "What do birds do to attract a mate?"  
"Well, as I'm sure that you're aware, but a lot of the attraction of a mate is solely upon the male of the species. A lot of them perform elaborate dances that attract the female's attention. Others will build nests to show that he's a solid provider."  
"How about bringing food?"  
"Oh yes. Yes, that would also show that they're solid providers, too."  
"How about… er… calling to them? Like making really loud noises to get their attention?"  
"Oh yes! That's usually followed by the feather dances. After all, you cannot perform a dance if nobody is watching you. Is the owl in your neighborhood doing all of that?"  
"Yes. He's very annoying."  
"I think I read that most species of owls are monogamous. Either he's very young and he's looking for a mate to start his life with, or he's calling to locate her. Have you seen her, or just the one?"  
Sarah flushed slightly at Angela's words. "I think that I've spotted her," she said quietly. "Thanks for your help! I've got to go now!"  
"Anytime, dear!"  
In a daze, Sarah walked back to her classroom. Ever since meeting the Goblin King when she was fifteen, Sarah had dreamt of being seduced by him. For him to come and sweep her off her feet, to shower her in rose petals, to offer her unicorn rides, and to kiss her under waterfalls.  
Not 3 AM rats and screeching outside her window.  
But, after she was sick last night, it seemed as though he didn't know that offering half-eaten rats was not an acceptable human seduction technique.  
She stormed into her room, made sure that shew was alone, and locked the door. "Jareth! Jareth! Jar-"  
"Sarah, I'm so glad that you've changed your mind!" he said as he suddenly appeared before her. He looked bedraggled, like she'd woken him up. And considering that he appeared to be part owl, maybe he had been asleep.  
"Jareth, look," Sarah said. "I get that you're not human. But I am. And screaming at other men who are around me, showing up on my balcony at three AM, and offering me half-eaten rats is not exactly my idea of seduction."  
He blinked at her, cocked his head, and blinked so more. "It's not?"  
"No! We like flowers and chocolates and romantic horseback rides into the sunset!"  
This resulted in more blinking. "I see," he said after a moment. "I appear to have greatly miscalculated. Then I shall no longer bother you at night while you are sleeping. And no more rats."  
"And no more harassing my co-workers! I have to see him tomorrow for a department chair meeting! I don't know how I'm going to explain it to him!"  
Jareth hissed. "You won't see him at all if I have anything to say about it, precious!" he said.  
Sarah let out a groan of frustration. "Just get out of here."

* * *

Jareth was waiting for Sarah by her car when school was out for the day. "You said that I couldn't come to you at night anymore, so I brought you dinner," he said. He held out a box of chocolates that was all scratched up. Half of the chocolates were missing, and the ones that remained were as scratched up as the box top was.  
"It's a start," Sarah said with a heavy sigh.

* * *

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this, please let me know by leaving a review!


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